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Depression, teasing, and molestation
Posted on: 10/15/2002
Hello, there. My name is XXX and i'm no longer a teenager, i'am now a 24 year old women who has been teased a lot through out my life and has also been sexually melested twice. I am very depressed and don't know what to do. I can't get over all these things in my head that have happened many many years ago. And they are ruining my life.
I'm very very depressed all the time, i feel like the world is after me constentley. It almost feels like when something goes right for me, it's almost like god sees me being happy and doesn't want me to be so he feeds me more crap that i have to handle. I have been through alot and, and i've put up w/ alot but i feel it's coming to the end. I cry all the time I sit in the dark all the time. I have horrible mood swings and i feel when i look in the mirrior i don't even see myself anymore, because i used to be very out going and fun,happy,free spirited but not so much anymore.
I hold alot of gruges that i just can't let go. i get very mad when i'm not involved in a family function or no one tells me anything if it's my mom or dad or even my boyfriend of 6 years. I have told my boyfriend how sad and depressed i am, and my mother too. But no one will reach out and help me and i feel very alone,helpless w/ anything. I call myself The monster.
I really would like to also talk about me being melested it was horrible i was in the 3rd grade and it was on a New Years Eve night. To make a long story short, me and my brother were staying over at a special friends of the families house because the party was being held at my parents house and there were no kids allowed. Furthermore, everyone started to come home to addition another couple that were friends of the family were going to spend the night. So oviously i was awakened by the distraction of all of them. I couldn't fall back to sleep because the light up in the kitchen was still on and there he was(mark) sitting there. I remember asking him to be quiet and please turn off the lights and go to bed. And before i knew it i had fallen asleep and was awakened by him touching my breasts and fingering me. I remember him stopping and saying don't ever tell anyone and if you do, it will happen again. I did tell my best friend that was laying there beside me when this happened and my brother on the other side of her both a sleep on a pull out couch. She didn't believe me.
It then was later reported when i was in the 6th grade and nothing really came of it. He is and was an alcoholic at the time. My mom and dad were notified by children services of this. My mom and dad wanted to press charges but there lawyers didn't want to go any further w/ it because they said that they would make me look like a little horror in court and didn't want that for me. But, what hurts the most his 1 daughter died almost 1 yr ago and i had to see him and i saw my father shake the hand of the guy who hurt his daughter and i hate my father for that and my mother gave him a hug. That pisses me off so much. but all in a nut shell i was also melested again by my dad's father when i was young and told this about 1yr ago also. And the only reason i did that was because i got tierd of my father always saying you don't care about anything or anybody, and that's so far not true at all. So one day i told my mom because my dad said that again to me and all my life i held that in so i wouldn't hurt not only my dad but my grandmother too.
So i waited til my grandfather passed on. And know he knows. There are so many other things that happened to me when i was young that i can't forget and things that go on know in my life that i have done to my boyfriend because of all the hate and anger i have in side. I have thought about suicide many many times. but can never go through w/ it because i'm scared. I wish i had someone to talk to all the time but i don't have the money to see a psycologist or i would. I have insurance but i just feel helpless. There is sooooo much more i could talk about but it just makes me cry and i don't want to cry so i'm going to have to stop here. Who ever reads this i hope you can help. And i know if this has never happened to you you don't understand for a minute how someone feels.. It's gotta happen to you before you can grasp the situation at hand. But i do thank you for at least reading my problems. and that's only the beginning.
Dear xxx: Your story is a sad tale of not getting help when you obviously needed it. But it is not too late! Now that you are 24 years old and an adult you need to use your insurance to help you find a professional you can trust to be able to put the past behind you and move on to form healthy relationships.
Also you are struggling with depression which is very treatable with a combination of medication and psychotherapy. If you are thinking about suicide the depression has reached a dangerous level and you need to find someone right away who you feel can understand you. Even if counselors have not had your experience, they can understand how a person feels helpless and the emotional damage that can come from sexual abuse.
It sounds like by writing this story you really are wanting help and you need to act on that feeling by finding the right professional counselor for you in your community.