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Posted on: 06/27/2005
I've slept with a lot of men, and each time, the roughness increases. I know that some people consider BDSM normal, but I feel ashamed. Is sex addiction real? I feel that the pain I endure during sex is punishment for everything I've done wrong. And no matter what, its never enough. I'm afraid I'm going to get myself killed, but I can't seem to stop. Many times I have removed myself from a potential sexual situation, only to "wake up" in the middle of sex with that person. Its as if I black out, and I can't remember how it all got started. No drugs or alcohol involved. I've been raped twice. Is that why I space out?
You describe a very painful situation where you feel you have lost control over your decision making and "black out" or what we call "dissociate" when you are sexual. Having a history of rape could certainly lead you to dissociate or "space out" as you call it, because you have painful memories around sex or are extremely ambivalent about how much you want to be sexual with someone. Your problems have reached a very frightening state however, where you have a compulsive need to take sexual risks and endure pain even though you are afraid you may be killed. This would qualify you for having a sexual addiction, or in other words, a compulsion you cannot control. Sado-masochistic sexual behavior is not considered normal when it is painful or could lead to harm.
You need help to get out of this desperate cycle and I am glad you are asking questions. You live in a large city where there are psychiatrists and even psychotherapists who specialize in sexual issues. Please talk with a trusted adult, such as your physician, about getting a referral. There are also helpful support groups for people who feel have sexual addictions and feelings which push them into unwanted behavior. The most important thing is to realize that this is something that can be treated and helped, so that you can move on to form healthy satisfying relationships.