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Posted on: 11/03/2005
Question
I have been on and off again with my current boyfriend for about 6 months. At first everything was perfect and even though I've never fallen in love before, I fell quickly. The relationship in itself, however, was hardly perfect. He lives in Hawaii and I live in New York. I am lucky if I see him for 3 or 4 months out of the year but for some reason I'm willing to put that aside. Anyway, he's complicated. As far as I'm concerned he used to be in love with me and though he always tells me he knows that I love him he's reluctant to tell me how he feels. I'm lucky to even get a phone call from him (some days he nice and others not so much) and when somebody acts this way my first thought is that I should just break up with them. However, whenever I bring the issue up he acts like nothing is wrong, and though he's broken up with me before he always comes back. It's almost like he's two different people and I don't know which one I'm dating. It's hard to believe that I fell in love with a part of him that never really comes around anymore. Please help me. How do I let him know how I feel without sounding like a nag? And does he really have feelings for me or is this all just a game?
Answer
Perhaps this relationship is just too difficult to sustain at such a long distance. He sounds ambivalent about his feelings and yet also is having difficulty letting go of the relationship. It is quite possible you fell in love, but with time and so much distance it is too hard to keep it going. Tell him you are experiencing the relationship has changed and he does not seem as sure as he was in the beginning. Ask him if he needs a break to understand how he feels because you are feeling he is pulling away from you. Time will tell if the relationship is strong enough to continue, but it may be wiser to move on and experience other male friends closer to home who you could really get to know.