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Posted on: 03/20/2006
Question
My parents got divorced when I was 5. My dad remarried twice but now is gay. I have known my dad to be gay for about a year now. I went a few months with just suspicion but later found out it was true. After it was affirmed I also found out he had been on crack for a year, lost 40 lbs because of it. He is also an alcoholic in recovery. My question is this -- I can't seem to look past all of his faults and see him as my dad again. he looks totally different and obviously acts different. I can't get it out of my head and need to know how to accept him for who he is and have him in my life again. Not to mention he kicked me out a week after I graduated high school and didn't have any concern where I was going to live. He had $11,000 to live on and I had $8.50 and hr trying to pay $575 per month for an apartment. So there are a lot of things to LOOK past.
Answer
Your father has certainly done many things to alienate you from him. Part of an addictions recovery program is for him to "make amends" with the people he has hurt because of his illness. If he is involved in a recovery program, which you indicate here, ask him abut this part of his program. Tell him the truth about your having great difficulty accepting what he did, but you do want to have him in your life in a positive way. How he responds to you may help you see him in a new light. I recommend you also go with him to some AA or NA meetings so that you are both on the same page with recovery. This has been a long-term problem so you and he may need to do some counseling together or separately to deal with these difficult feelings.