By Elizabeth Lee, M.D., PAMF Family Medicine


During early adolescence, much attention is paid to all the physical, outward changes that a child experiences. In part, this is necessary, since physical appearance greatly affects how a child develops his or her sense of self-esteem and identity. Just as important, though, are the many intense emotions that cannot be seen but are just as crucial to a child's growth.

Throughout this time, your child is realizing a desire for more independence, but weighing this with his or her need to be cared for by you. This will be one of the most important struggles that they must learn to successfully negotiate throughout adolescence and into adulthood.

You may notice your child seeking more interaction with his or her peers and less with you. However, there will still be times when he or she will want your company and guidance. As children step out of the protective world of their family and into the world of friends and other external influences, they need support to decide how to let these influences affect them. Your child will look to you for a firm set of beliefs and values to hold on to, for love and nurturing, and especially for limits. This will help your son or daughter have a sense of autonomy that is age appropriate, and a strong sense of personal values to guide him or her when you cannot be there.

Preteens are trying to figure out how to deal with a variety of emotions including the intensity of anger, frustration and depression, as well as general stress. They will look to their parents for examples of how to manage their responses to these pressures. Show them how to be a good communicator and demonstrate appropriate ways to deal with conflict. On the flip side, you also want to encourage them to experience and enjoy the hopes and joys of their relationships and endeavors. How they learn to manage a range of emotions now will influence their future relationships.

The preteen years are just the beginning of the exciting and hope filled -- though often difficult -- journey through emotional and social development. Strong communication, nurturing, and limit setting by parents is key in helping a child negotiate this tumultuous time.

Questions for Parents to Consider

• Have I talked to my child today? Do I know what is going on in his or her life right now?
  
• Who are my child's friends and what kind of influence are they having on him or her?
  
• What are the beliefs and values of our family and how are they reflected in our lives?
  
• How can I continue to affirm my child's actions and help him or her know he or she is loved?
  
• How can I allow my child to have more independence and privacy?
  
• What are appropriate limits of behavior for my child?
  
• How can I spend one-on-one time with my child?
  
• Do I know how my child is feeling on most days? Should I be concerned about too much stress or signs of depression?
  
• How can I encourage my child to have a positive attitude and seek personal success?