Stress Management: Reducing Stress by Being Assertive

Assertive communication means speaking up for yourself in a thoughtful, tactful way. It's one of the three main styles of communication. The other two are passive communication and aggressive communication. If you are passive or aggressive, you might get better results by trying to be assertive instead.

In passive communication, you may not express your opinions, feelings, and needs. You may be uncomfortable speaking your mind, especially when you are with supervisors or people you see as important. When you are passive, you don't take part in decisions that affect you, or you don't take a stand on issues that are important to you. Being passive can make you feel like you have no control over a situation. Feeling a lack of control leads to stress.

In aggressive communication, you honestly state your opinions, feelings, and needs, but you do it at the expense of others. You may be seen as rude or demanding. And being aggressive often offends others. Their negative reaction can lead to stress for everyone.

In assertive communication, you state your opinions, feelings, and needs openly. You do this in a respectful, tactful, and thoughtful way. In most cases, being assertive works better than being passive or aggressive.

Being assertive helps you communicate in a healthy way. It helps you stand up for yourself without offending others. It helps you feel more in control of a situation. When you are assertive, you take part in decisions that affect you. You have the satisfaction of knowing that you can express your feelings and opinions honestly with others. And being assertive can reduce stress.

There are other benefits of assertive communication. You may:

• Be more comfortable with supervisors at work.
• Find that your views are more respected.
• Be more effective in having your needs met.
• Feel more confident about asking others for help.
• Feel less angry toward others.
• Find that you are more comfortable with saying "no."

To be more assertive, you focus on what you say and how you say it. You can plan and practice how to be more assertive using the assertiveness ladder. You can use the assertiveness ladder at home or at work. Use the letters of the word "LADDER" to recall the steps.

• L: Look at your rights, what you want, and what you need. Define what you want, and keep it in mind during your discussion.
• A: Arrange a time and place to discuss the situation. You can skip this step if the situation isn't planned, such as when you receive the wrong food at a restaurant.
• D: Define the problem for the other person. Don't assume the other person already knows about the problem.
• D: Describe your feelings using "I" statements. An "I" statement tells how you feel without blaming someone else. For example, try saying "I'm feeling frustrated," instead of "You frustrate me."
• E: Express what you want or need. Be specific, brief, and firm. For example, instead of asking your husband to be "more considerate," ask him to call if he'll be more than 15 minutes late.
• R: Reinforce the idea of getting what you want. Show the other person how your request might be good for both of you.

How to use the assertiveness ladder:

1. Write out a plan, with one or two sentences for each step on the "ladder."
2. Practice your step-by-step plan alone, and get comfortable with it. You may find that it's easier to write your plan than to practice it out loud. But you'll do better in the real situation if you've heard yourself make these statements before.
3. Put your plan into action in the real situation. Don't worry about all the details. Just keep the main points in mind.

Using assertive body language

Body language is the way you sit or stand, move, and use your eyes and hands when you speak. Sometimes when you think you're speaking assertively, your body is sending a different message. That message can get in the way of what you are trying to say. Using the right body language helps you communicate more assertively. Try these five tips:

1. Make eye contact with the person you're talking to. Try to keep your facial expression open and sincere.
2. Sit or stand up tall with a straight back. Speak clearly and firmly.
3. Use your hands and facial expressions to highlight your most important points.
4. Try not to sound as if you're asking a question when you're not.
5. Don't use an apologetic tone of voice.

You'll be more comfortable if you practice these rules in front of a mirror. When you practice, you can also hear your tone of voice.

Now that you're read this information, you know more about how to reduce stress by being assertive. Try practicing the assertiveness ladder and body language on your own.