By Madeline Levine (2006)

Working parents in middle- to upper-middle-class communities across the country are trying to do the best for their kids in a super competitive world. What could be wrong with that? Why are kids who look good, are getting good grades, play sports or musical instruments, and do community service showing up in the offices of counselors at record numbers? Even without bad divorces, substance abuse, depression, school failure, or delinquent behavior, these kids are in serious trouble.

A new book by Madeline Levine called The price of privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids describes kids who are overscheduled, lack enthusiasm, feel pressured, misunderstood, anxious, angry and empty. In spite of being articulate and intelligent, these teens do not seem to know themselves very well. They may be impulsive or boring; they may be personable, but not very creative. They have several things in common. They are:

• Very dependent on approval from others


• Held to high academic standards


• Given material rewards


• Get little pleasure from things


• Not sharing much family responsibility at home

It would be easy to trivialize this problem, to say the parents are "too involved" and dismiss these kids as being "spoiled." The situation is much more serious than that. These kids perceive setbacks such as getting low grades or low SAT scores, not making a varsity team or not having friends as profound failures. Those feelings are contributing to the self-destructive behaviors associated with these unhappy and fragile privileged youth.

These are not marginalized youth. These kids have parents, coaches, teachers, and counselors pouring attention and resources into them. They appear to have everything, except a sense of themselves. What may be missing is autonomy or independence--the "self" that develops by being exposed to and learning to handle complex interpersonal challenges and situations.

To become adults, teens must learn to identify their talents, skills, and interests while learning to make their own decisions and balancing their lives. Parents want kids who are creative, happy, self-starters, who can delay gratification, tolerate frustration and show self-control.

The ideal relationship with parents is one that allows for differences of opinions and is built on respect for each individual. Letting a teen make a decision must include living with the consequences of that decision--mom or dad cannot clean up the outcome--dealing with that outcome helps kids make the next decision.

As parents, we need to start talking about our concerns. We need to discuss our struggle with issues like the lines between connectedness and over involvement; love and intrusiveness; encouragement and obssessiveness. We may need to examine how we are modeling personal relationships, friendships, responsibility to others, and self-care. We need to be conscious, face the issues and work it out.

Teens need tremendous support and encouragement to become people who love who they "are" which is ultimately much more important than what they "do."

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