Being the parent or guardian of a preteen is not as scary as it sounds! Most of the time they are struggling to be independent and to fit in at school, at home, and with friends. Keep in mind that helping your preteen to become an adult takes time, patience, and a commitment. There is no such thing as an instant adult!

There are two things to remember: preteens need lots of love and they need a caring adult to show them right from wrong.

• Tips for Parents and Guardians
• Setting Limits and Boundaries
• Communicating with Your Preteen

Tips for Parents and Guardians

• Let your preteen know that you love him or her no matter what. Preteens need a trusting and loving relationship with a parent or other adult to feel safe and secure.
  
• Talk to your preteen, listen to his or her ideas and opinions, and do things together.
  
• Get to know your preteen's friends and learn what they do in school; it helps you understand your preteen even better.
  
• Show you care by chaperoning a trip.
  
• Join a parent group or support group where you and other parents can discuss parenting issues.
  
• Attend all parent-teacher conferences at school.
  
• Go to your preteen's athletic events and school musicals.
  
• Answer your preteen's questions about health risks.
  
• Teach your preteen to respect himself or herself and others.
  
• Challenge your preteen to discover his or her own incredible potential.
  
• Show your preteen that you are proud of his or her accomplishments, both large and small.
  
• Show your preteen that you are proud of his or her accomplishments, both large and small.

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Setting Limits and Boundaries

• Establish limits and boundaries, such as curfews, study hours, behavior at parties, and expectations for special occasions.
  
• Define the consequences of unacceptable behavior, make sure your preteen understands the consequences and then stick to them.
  
• Recognize that some limits are negotiable and others are not.
  
• Guide your preteen toward choices that will keep him or her safe.

While preteens may fight with parents about some decisions, they usually realize that the limits placed on them are a sign of love, rather than control.

• Monitor your preteen's behavior-what he or she says and does, where he or she goes and with whom, and when to expect him or her home.
  
• Redefine your limits of control over your preteen's life as he or she starts to think and act more mature. Otherwise you risk some major problems in your relationship.
  
• Monitor your own behavior-what you say, what you do, and what you believe. Your behavior will make a huge difference in the choices your preteen makes.

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Communicating with Your Preteen

• Be honest and open with your preteen when talking about your values, beliefs, and ideas. It may be wise to just say "Here is what I think about...," briefly explain your views, and then drop the subject.
  
• Help your preteen to make responsible choices by talking about their options.
  
• Tell your preteen if you are disappointed or upset with his or her behavior.
  
• Praise, hug, encourage, and say "I love you."
  
• Express your expectations for his or her goals and accomplishments.
  
• Recognize that your preteen's life may be very different from your own adolescence.
  
• Your preteen deserves guidance, high but realistic expectations for achievement, and a fair balance between rules and freedom.

© 2001, American Medical Association
Used by permission
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