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Notes from Teen Health 411:
Designing a Coming-of Age Ritual

Below are a few ideas about how to create a ritual. Make sure you discuss this with your teen beforehand. The ritual should not come as a surprise. One person's celebration is another's most embarrassing moment. Ideally, the young person should be involved with the planning.

Where
Who to include
What
Activities
Ending

Where

Many rituals are performed in a circle because circles represent the flow of life, the never-ending circle of growth. The circle can be made of vines, a rope or even chairs. The circle should be large enough to include all the guests and have an opening that people enter and exit through. Once everyone enters, the opening is closed and then re-opened when everyone leaves.
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Who to include

I suggest you invite the immediate family and a few close friends of the person becoming a teen. Make sure everyone you invite will be supportive and open to your homegrown ritual. The immediate family should each have a role in the ritual. The roles can include:

The person who opens and closes the entrance to the circle

the person who starts and stops the ritual with the bell

A narrator who explains what is going on

A leader, who asks the youth to light the candles and then invites the guests to participate, where appropriate

What

In most ceremonies there is an altar that you can cover with silk or cloth. On the altar, you can put flowers, candles, a bell, matches, a candle-snuffer, a picture of the child as a baby, or anything else that signifies the change you are celebrating. I suggest two candles, one to represent childhood and one to represent adulthood. During the ritual you can ask the child to light one candle to represent the passing of the carefree joy of childhood. Then light the second to represent the path towards adulthood and other joys still to come, or ask the child to light the second candle accepting the responsibilities of adulthood.

Music is always nice--a song that the teen likes, or one representing the change everyone is facing.
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Activities

Here are some suggested activities:

The first activity is the lighting the candles, as mentioned above. As you light the candles, include any narrative you choose.

The second activity is a ribbon cutting. The teen and the parent, usually the mother, each have an end of a 6-foot length of ribbon tied (gently) to their wrist when they enter the circle and there is a pair of scissors on the alter. During the ritual, the mother might say something to the child like:
I brought you into this world and our spirits will be forever joined. However, up until this time, I have led you through life and you have listened to everything I said.
If you are ready, then today our relationship changes, and I offer my guidance and ever lasting love, but know that you have started down your own path, and may not always listen. I do hope that our new relationship is one of trust, honesty and warmth. You can cut away our old relationship today, but I will always be here for you.
With that, the teen can snip the ribbon, and maybe hug the mother!

This might be a nice time for the song to be played or sang, or a prayer said, then the leader can invite everyone to come forward, take a flower from a vase and give it to the teen (who is seated by now), and tell the teen their wishes for her future and adulthood. No need to suggest what to say. There will be many blessings that are spontaneous and loving.

Another variation of this is to ask all guests to share something about how they have changed from when they were 13 and what they wish for the young person's adulthood.

Ending

The ritual ends with the snuffing of the candles, the ringing of the bell, the opening of the circle, the processing of guests out. Then everyone can share a meal, some cake, or whatever your family likes to do.
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Disclaimer: This content is the opinion of the author(s) and not necessarily that of your health care provider, the Palo Alto Medical Clinic, the Palo Alto Medical Foundation or Sutter Health. This information is provided for your general information and education only, and should not be relied upon for personal diagnosis or treatment. If you feel like you have an illness or need emotional support for a problem, please contact you personal physician NOW.
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