• 'Effective Listening' Is the Quiet Secret
• Verbal and Non-Verbal Messages: Which Are Stronger?
• Why Some Teenagers Don't Confide Much
• A "No-fault" Communication Policy?
• Teasing and Sarcasm Can Really Hurt
• If You Need Help

Six Communication Tricks

Many arguments and problems within families arise not from the substance of an issue but from the process of communicating about it. That process includes both the words that are used and the "non-verbal" communication that goes with them -- how something is said.

In addition, there are varieties of unspoken messages: what is left out, or implied without being said. And what someone hears may not be what the other person intended. We frequently communicate most when we are upset about something, while we sometimes neglect to convey the good and positive feelings we hold toward those close to us.

State all of your negative messages verbally -- save the non-verbal as a topping for positive words: a smile, nod, pat on the back.

Be straight and clear. Many people insert "softeners" and "beat around the bush" until the message becomes confusing or gets lost.

Rephrase negative messages into a request for positive changes, stated in specifics: "I would like you to do this, that and that."

Check out the reception. You can't be sure that someone has understood you unless you get them to state the message back to you -- and vice versa. They can think about the content later; they should first get the correct message.

Think about the purpose of your message. You don't have to say things that will hurt a relationship. Send positive messages freely; select negative ones carefully and present them with care at a time when they are most likely to be accepted.

Avoid talking more than a minute at a time in most cases. Make a single point and check the reception before going to the next point.

Back to top

'Effective Listening' Is the Quiet Secret

Almost everyone feels good when they have been listened to, "taken seriously" enough to have someone really focus on what they're saying. Conversely, the absence of "someone to talk to" (meaning a good listener) can cause serious problems in people's lives, affect how they feel about themselves and others, and contribute to feelings of anger and hostility.

The basic element of effective communication is effective listening, whether that be in the family or in any other life situation: school, work, roommates, friends.

What is "effective listening"? Just that -- more or less what you like someone else to do when paying attention to what you're saying: all the indications of "paying attention," such as looking at the person, nodding, smiling (if it's not a terribly serious conversation), perhaps sitting down across from or near the person.

The responses can include requests to the other person to repeat a point you’re not clear on, indicating you really want to understand what the person is conveying. When you think you understand, it is important to rephrase the message you heard and repeat it to the person so he or she can agree with or correct it. This is the ultimate confirmation that you heard and understood the message.

Another central element to good listening is to suspend being judgmental and possible disagreements until you fully understand what the other person is saying-- whether parent or young person.

Many arguments stem from someone being trigger happy with a disagreement, cutting the other person off with a "That's ridiculous!" or other shut-off comment before hearing the full message, and without even trying to understand it.

The listener is entirely free to disagree (1) when the message has been delivered fully and (2) when the listener has acknowledged receiving it. But how you voice that disagreement should be considered beforehand, along with accompanying non-verbal messages. What is it that you want to accomplish with the statement?

A good starting point for being a good listener is to take a moment all by yourself and think about those people closest to you. Consider how, in so ny ways, their lives are entirely different from yours. A shared, compassionate understanding of those different life experiences and feelings is a rare gift.
Back to top

Verbal and Non-Verbal Messages: Which Are Stronger?

Many problems arise out of the process of communication rather than disagreement about the substance of the message or situation itself. Someone says or does something, or acts in a non-verbal way to convey a certain message, anothers react to that message.

"Actions speak louder than words," is an old saying. Modern psychologists would say that if there is a conflict between a verbal and a non-verbal message, the non-verbal message is the one that is believed.

Also, when someone gives a conflicting message (positive words but negative "body language," for example) he or she can avoid accepting responsibility for the negative message if called on it. An excellent, effective rule of thumb is to try to limit your non-verbal messages to positive ones (a smile, nod, pat on the back) and always state negative messages verbally and with a specific purpose or request in mind. Messages once sent cannot be recalled, and hence all messages should be launched with care.

Communication should be for a purpose. You don't have to say things that will be bad for your relationships. People do well to send out most of the positive things they think or feel about others, and to select very, very carefully among the negative things -- and then design with care how those are presented. They should be phrased as a request for a positive, specific, timely action, not to criticize past actions.
Back to top

Why Some Teenagers Don't Confide Much

"Why is it so hard for your own kids to talk to you about what's going on in their lives? I learn a lot more about my kids from listening to them talk to a neighbor an uncle or someone else, than I get from them directly."

This comment drew nods of agreement at a LifeSkills seminar on family communications and interactions. Another parent in the audience suggested that perhaps young persons are hesitant to open up because of some past experience -- namely, a "YOU DID WHAT?" reaction to the sharing of some confidence or experience. This reaction can only come from a parent -- almost never from a neighbor or an uncle or someone else with no authority or responsibility for that young person.

There is a huge difference between "interested" questions and interrogative questioning. It takes time to build trust.

Parents are often in the difficult role of having to assert authority over their children, usually with no real training in how to do that and no commonly accepted standards of what should be their responses (or "where to draw the line"). And no parent can have complete control over a child's behavior. Strong influence, yes, but that's a different dynamic -- one that calls for a pattern of listening, cooperation, role-modeling, and mutual understanding AS WELL AS a setting and holding of reasonable limits. (Young persons should remember, too, that it's not all that simple being a parent.)

Parents who feel secure in their authority can act not as equals but as caring parents with whom the young persons will continue relationships for many years beyond adolescence.

Those who develop a genuine, non-judgmental interest in the actions and opinions of their children, and who respect their confidences (even when angry), will find doors of trust open to them.
Back to top

A "No-fault" Communication Policy?

One of the most common traps for family interactions is the incredible amount of energy, time and emotion we spend trying to figure out who was (or is) at fault about something.

Why bother? Think about it. Who needs to know? What difference does it make?

"Well," one might say, "we need to know what went wrong so we can figure out how to prevent it next time." True, but that's really a different matter than assigning blame or fault-finding with one member of the family.

The important element to address is the existing situation and what specific things could be done to improve it, phrased as positively as possible -- and limited to one or two at a time. The real reason to try the "no-fault" policy is that the other way just doesn't work. People get defensive and angry, sometimes hurt, and they usually never get to the stage of figuring out how to prevent a situation from recurring in the future.

The key here, again, is to think about where you want to go, and what's the best way to get there.

Back to top

Teasing and Sarcasm Can Really Hurt

Two common patterns of how people in families communicate -- frequent teasing and the use of sarcasm -- can do real damage to individuals and family processes.

At least we should be aware of the "hidden message" buried in each of those patterns:
Teasing is a veiled form of anger or aggression. It may be fun, or funny, but how does it leave a person feeling? And how often do angry fights stem from it? Ask yourself: "What is the real message?"

Sarcasm is almost always a defense. It can be witty and clever -- but it usually is reserved for use mostly against someone you really care about (hence are vulnerable to). To blunt it, try being direct: "It makes me feel bad when you are sarcastic."

(Be patient in seeking changes.)
Back to top

If You Need Help

Sometimes the best and strongest people find themselves at wit's end in relationships. There are many excellent community resources available for immediate, confidential (anonymous if you want), help and advice: Almost all communities have teen and parental stress advice and crisis telephone "hot lines"

You Get What You Give

This LifeSkills program is only as helpful as you and those in your family make it. It is not enough to "KNOW" how to communicate well; you must actually DO it. Just as with exercising, studying or paying bills (but a lot more fun) you need to put in the effort in order to receive the benefits.

Some ideas about getting back what you put out:

You get the most out of any commitment -- a class, a job OR a relationship--if you take responsibility for giving it your best effort.

As long as you have to deal with members of your family, why not make it as pleasant as possible? The more you can turn routine exchanges into expressions of appreciation, the doing of favors and demonstrations of support, the more fun it will be for you -- regardless of the response.

Studies have shown that people are much more pleasant and attentive to strangers than to family members. Psychologist Lloyd Homme developed a "game" of getting people to pretend their family members and friends were long lost cousins from out of town. Try it and see what happens.

---

FAMILY LifeSkills
(copyright 1988-1997 Palo Alto Medical Foundation)
Family Lifeskills is a program to strengthen and enrich family interactions -- with the purpose of making each person and the family as a whole as strong as possible. It was developed jointly by the Palo Alto Medical Foundation for Health Care, Research and Education and Palo Alto High School.

Next: 5. Taking Care of Business
Back to top