A "problem" is defined as "something that lacks an easy solution." "Solution" is part of the definition.

The first step in approaching a troublesome family problem is to think that the solution is in there somewhere -- all you have to do is find it. This approach differs sharply in its outcomes from the approach of those who feel that a problem is something you have to tolerate as if it will always be with you unless it just happens to go away.

In reality, YOU can resolve it.

• Basic Skills
• A Good Decision Means One Less Problem*
• The 'Powergram' Sorts Out Who Decides What
• Realities of Family Problem Solving
• Hazards and Quicksand Traps
• Redirection
• References and Sources

Family Problem Solving

Basic Skills

A basic grasp of some decision-making and problem-solving skills will prevent many problems from ever arising and will help to resolve many others. Some initial steps and concepts are:

1. Write out two or three decisions that might help resolve problems for you or your family. Ask yourself if those are the most important ones. Pick THE most important one. (You have taken a basic step: set a decision-making priority.)
2. Remember that decision-making has several levels: It involves the "power balance" in your family; it involves logical and creative thinking; it involves change (sometimes scary); and it involves your overall relationships.
3. Using the "negotiation" approach, ask a family member involved in your "top priority" if he or she would sit down with you and discuss how to tackle the decision or address the matter in a new way.
4. Explore alternatives together. Write them down as you go -- that will help clarify the decision(s) to be made. Be straight, not manipulative; listen carefully; stay on the issue; be cool and patient.

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A Good Decision Means One Less Problem*

Many "problems" arise out of how decisions are made within a family (or any group of people living or working together).

Making decisions within a family is one of the more complicated subjects being studied by social scientists this century -- and they are far from knowing all the angles. But we have to go ahead and make such decisions anyway.

Family decisions usually are made in the face of emotional backdrops, set patterns of interacting, confusion between the "relationship" versus the decision process, past angers and blame, and personal perceptions and assumptions about the other person or persons involved.

Making decisions is intimately tied to solving (or creating) problems. A good decision means one less problem, but a bad one -- or a series of poorly made ones--can both create serious problems and weaken the overall relationship.

Knowing some of the techniques that work before tackling some tough decisions really increases your family's odds. The first thing to understand is that decisions involve power, authority and influence.

Every interaction is related to power: power does not exist without relationships; relationships do not exist without relative power. Some families (or groups) have the benefit of having learned ways of making decisions in a more cooperative, open fashion, with few competitive, defensive patterns other families have developed--but which they could change if they worked at it.

Some things that social scientists have learned are:

• Conflict develops when both persons or sides seek the most personal gain and there are no rules for reaching decisions about both big and little matters in their lives. Every family needs rules about sharing resources, from storage space to money. They also need ground rules for allocating decision- making authority and how they go about making decisions.²
• Perception is a major factor in both decision-making and interaction generally. The belief is powerful because you act on it. If you believe family members don't really love you, or will betray you, then all of your actions toward them follow from that. "Words have power" because they influence belief and belief dictates action. When one member of the family is particularly forceful other members may be cowed into accepting decisions they don't really like. In family decisions, as with negotiations which should precede them, the objective should be for everyone to come out ahead. The person on the short-end of a lose-win situation tends to undermine the agreement, either directly or indirectly, through various forms of "passive aggression" and other means. This means that one- sided decisions can be worse than no decision at all--they don't really solve the problem and weaken the commitment to the overall relationship.
• Many decision-making traps can be avoided by drawing upon basic skills of listening, consulting, clarifying, avoiding anger/blame, and collaborating. The expression of mutual agreement prior to enacting the decision is an important element of the process.

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The 'Powergram' Sorts Out Who Decides What

No one can make every decision for someone else -- and if they try the relationship usually suffers badly. Dividing up authority between family members can help families break out of "decision traps" by clarifying who's in charge of what. In 1976, Richard Stuart, D.S.W. developed a tool to help do this: the "Powergram." The Powergram creates five spaces representing areas of decision.

The first space represents the area in which one party can make the total decision (with rare veto power); the fifth space represents the same for the other person. Spaces 2 and 4 are the where each person "usually" makes the decision, and the center is where joint decisions are made.

To use the Powergram, have each party mark in each space who they THINK makes what decisions, working from a series of common family questions: Watching TV, buying a car, taking a trip, going to movies, changing jobs. Next, mark it the way you would like the decisions to be made.

Then try trading areas of authority. "How about you making these, and I those? Divvy up the decisions -- make the center (joint-decision) section a small as possible to avoid argument and make it clear who is responsible.
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Realities of Family Problem Solving

"In ordinary affairs we usually muddle ahead, doing what is habitual and customary, being slightly puzzled when it sometimes fails to give the intended outcome, but not stopping to worry much about the failures because there are too many other things still to do."³ This 1960 observation by a sociologist still holds true -- in families, at work and in school. We seldom take time to slow down and analyze why something we hoped would work didn't -- particularly in human relationships. If we did take such a look, we might discover that there were obvious reasons why something fell apart -- reasons we could do something about without much effort. Some basics of problem-solving:

• Communications: Be aware that words mean -- and imply -- different things to different persons.
• Beware of "under talk" -- assuming the other person already knows what you feel or think. Seek a free exchange of ideas, including ideas from outside the "closed system" of the family.
• Lines of authority: A flexible yet defined power structure in families aids problem-solving -- allowing for both full discussion and consideration, a sense of equitable outcomes for all, and reasonably quick decisions.
• Openness to conflicting ideas: Families do well if they are open to conflicting ideas (as opposed to open conflict). Many families fear the threat of disagreement instead of the opportunity it provides for growth and learning for all parties.
• Focus on outcome: Seek the best possible approach instead of any one person's proposal.
• A balance of trust: Otherwise people suspect each other's motives and arguments. Trust is the basis of good-faith bargaining.
• Setting criteria: Agree to shoot for the mutually satisfactory instead of the nearly perfect, optimal outcome -- it's harder to reach.
• Redirect attacks back to the issue.

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Hazards and Quicksand Traps

There are some common hazards that can swamp your attempts at family problem-solving: Or does it? Getting agreement on this basic starting point is often hard because everyone first must agree that (1) something's wrong, and (2) a group effort can lead to a solution.

When a problem is identified, there is a tendency to rush to find a solution right away rather than to take time to define clearly the problem and outline possible solutions.

• Families tend to tackle problems at the end of the day, when the energy level is low and irritability high.
• People have a well-documented tendency to "piggy-back" unrelated issues on the matter at hand, and wind up with a loaded pile of mixed agendas, mixed messages and mixed results.
• There is frequent confusion of the overall relationship with the task at issue.

Groups of strangers tackle a problem in three steps:

1. orientation, where they learn about each other and explore the problem;


2. evaluation, during which they develop ideas and alternatives;


3. and a control phase, in which they seek to influence each other.

But families tend to skip the first two steps -- each member thinks he knows where the others stand. (But they usually don't.)

Decision-making by couples tends to be strongly "power oriented" instead of focused on the outcome. So much energy is focused on the overall relationship little is left for the problem. Trying to "use" the situation builds distrust.

Families with persistent inability to discuss issues calmly or who are trapped in some of the above bogs could benefit from a neutral "coach" who could provide guidance.
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Redirection

A best response to defensive maneuvers is called "redirection". The target of the manipulative comments stays calm and simply redirects the discussion back to the issue or issues. He or she refrains from the natural inclination to argue back or straighten out the other person. They use positive comments: "Let's concentrate on the facts," instead of "Why won't you stick to the issues?"
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References and Sources

1. Veroff, J. & Feld, S. Marriage and Work in America: A Study of Motives and Roles, Van Nostrand Reinhold Co., New York, 1970.
2. Carlfred Broderick, In Power in Families, Wiley & Sons, New York, 1975.
3. Miller, G. A., Galanter, E. & Prinbram, K H., Plans and Structure of Behavior. Holt, Rinehart & Winston, New York, 1960.

* A COMPLETE, EXCELLENT DISCUSSION of decision-making, problem-solving and basic communication skills is in Helping Couples Change, by Richard Stuart. Guilford Press, New York, 1980.

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FAMILY LifeSkills (copyright 1988-1997 Palo Alto Medical Foundation) Family Lifeskills is a program to strengthen and enrich family interactions -- with the purpose of making each person and the family as a whole as strong as possible. It was developed jointly by the Palo Alto Medical Foundation for Health Care, Research and Education and Palo Alto High School.
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